Current mood: creative
Song + Video to describe my mood today: Jack Bauer – Damn It
After watching the season finale of 24 Monday, I’ve learned to appreciate my job a little bit more and you should too. Jack always is expected to show up on time, take no bathroom breaks, doesn’t really take personal calls, shit I don’t even know what day of the week all this mayhem is happening on. I’ll assume it’s a Monday. Who wants all that responsibility on a Monday? Even though 24 is a fictional show, there are some Jack Bauer types out there and you people are so lucky I’m not one of them, lol. Not with my attitude and willingness to abuse my authority and position of power. So, I decided today to do a small rundown on what a day in the life of my alter ego Blackjack Bauer (21) would be like in the event of a crisis.
Thoughts Before Work (5/23/07) If I Was Jack Bauer
The following events take place between 5AM – 7AM
Terrorists takeover an airport and threaten to kill hostages one by one live on webcam and post it on You Tube. The only man crazy and savvy enough to stop them without getting the hostages hurt is Blackjack Bauer. He’s still sleep however and doesn’t hear his cell phone ringing. Terrorists kill 3 hostages, CTU is in dire straits. Blackjack Bauer is still sleeping. He partied a little too hard over the weekend, is a heavy sleeper plus he doesn’t have to punch in until 12.
The following events take place between 7AM – 8AM
Terrorist make a demand of a large amount of cash and the government has 1 hour to respond or more hostages will die. The President states that they don’t negotiate with terrorists and contacts CTU. They send a unit over to Blackjack Bauer’s house to wake him up. He hears them knocking at the doors but ignores them, assuming that it’s a Jehovah’s Witness. The unit leaves the Bauer residence and go to the airport for damage control.
The following events take place between 9AM – 10AM
Blackjack Bauer’s alarm clock on his cell phone goes off. He wakes up, throws on a white tee, some Air Force Ones and some sweats and walks down the street to McDonald’s to get 3 McGriddles. He puts his phone on silent because he doesn’t like to be disturbed while he eats, plus he has his IPod on so he never hears the employees talk about the events going on. The government stalls the terrorists to bide more time to simulate a cash transaction. After eating Blackjack gets niggeritis and goes back to sleep.
The following events take place between 10AM – 11AM
CTU FINALLY gets in touch with Blackjack before he goes into another heavy sleep. He gets briefed on the situation, understands the severity of the situation, but wants to know if he’ll be paid overtime for coming to work an hour early. Terrorists don’t get their ducats and kill more hostages. CTU has no choice but to give Blackjack double time and a half and he knows it. Blackjack wakes up for good, but checks his email and Myspace page first before he gets ready to roll. He also takes a long ass time to get dressed, give himself a shapeup, put some cologne on, color coordinate, etc. More than half the people at the airport are dead by this point.
The following events take place between 11AM – 4PM
Blackjack goes to the airport and sneaks in through the ventilation system. He has gained a high ground over the ringleader and is in a position to take him out with a headshot. Unfortunately Blackjack forgot to put his phone on vibrate and the loud sound of “Whoop That Trick” from Hustle & Flow is heard coming from the ceiling. The terrorists find his ass and tie him up along with the remaining hostages. It’s about 2 PM, more hostages die and CTU is forced to make extreme action to rescue Blackjack and whatever hostages are still living. CTU supervisors come down on Blackjack hard and he knows he fucked up. His only words letting you know that are “My Bad”. The majority of the terrorists escape because of the forced action.
The following events take place between 4PM – 4:30PM
Blackjack takes his scheduled break and goes shopping at The Net for a little bit, despite the fact CTU just spent the last 2 hours saving his ass. Terrorists now officially have gained a large amount of ground to escape the country or do another terrorist act. Blackjack doesn’t care, plus he’s arguing with his baby mom on the phone too, so now he’s really pissed.
The following events take place between 4:30PM – 5PM
Blackjack gets back to work, but his McGriddles and what he ate on his break give him the bubbleguts. He spends the next half hour after his break is over taking an excruciating loud shit, yelling Damn It!!! every time a turd feels like it’s about to come out but doesn’t. He does however take the time to look at the porn stored on his IPod and rubs one out. Terrorists have left the state.
The following events take place between 5PM – 6PM
Blackjack gets back to work and is left responsible to track the terrorists down with sophisticated satellite technology on the CTU computers. Getting bored after 10 minutes, he goes back on Myspace, leaves his friends crude comments, does a survey, stalks girls he used to bang and checks out sports scores. He also learns how to play solitaire finally (I really don’t know how to play solitaire, lol) and does a little online shopping. His supervisor monitoring his computer activity gets fed up and calls him into the office. After a brief argument, they make peace when Blackjack offers him clear ass copies of Spider-Man 3, 300 and Shrek The Third for free just to get off his case. His supervisor is just as ghetto as he is, lol.
The following events take place between 6PM – 7PM
The satellite tracks the terrorists at an undisclosed warehouse attempting to flee by a small airplane. CTU sends a strike team to take them out. Blackjack realizes what time it is, falsifies the time clock and sneaks out to be home in time to watch 24. He loves that show.
More or less, this is how it would be if I were Jack Bauer. I’m such a fucking hero, lol. Time for me to go now. See y’all Friday.
Embassy aka Blackjack Bauer (Damn It!!!!!)