5/23/07 – If I Was Jack Bauer (Self explanatory. You all are so lucky)

Current mood: creative

Song + Video to describe my mood today: Jack Bauer – Damn It

After watching the season finale of 24 Monday, I’ve learned to appreciate my job a little bit more and you should too. Jack always is expected to show up on time, take no bathroom breaks, doesn’t really take personal calls, shit I don’t even know what day of the week all this mayhem is happening on. I’ll assume it’s a Monday. Who wants all that responsibility on a Monday? Even though 24 is a fictional show, there are some Jack Bauer types out there and you people are so lucky I’m not one of them, lol. Not with my attitude and willingness to abuse my authority and position of power. So, I decided today to do a small rundown on what a day in the life of my alter ego Blackjack Bauer (21) would be like in the event of a crisis.

Thoughts Before Work (5/23/07) If I Was Jack Bauer

The following events take place between 5AM – 7AM
Terrorists takeover an airport and threaten to kill hostages one by one live on webcam and post it on You Tube. The only man crazy and savvy enough to stop them without getting the hostages hurt is Blackjack Bauer. He’s still sleep however and doesn’t hear his cell phone ringing. Terrorists kill 3 hostages, CTU is in dire straits. Blackjack Bauer is still sleeping. He partied a little too hard over the weekend, is a heavy sleeper plus he doesn’t have to punch in until 12.

The following events take place between 7AM – 8AM
Terrorist make a demand of a large amount of cash and the government has 1 hour to respond or more hostages will die. The President states that they don’t negotiate with terrorists and contacts CTU. They send a unit over to Blackjack Bauer’s house to wake him up. He hears them knocking at the doors but ignores them, assuming that it’s a Jehovah’s Witness. The unit leaves the Bauer residence and go to the airport for damage control.

The following events take place between 9AM – 10AM
Blackjack Bauer’s alarm clock on his cell phone goes off. He wakes up, throws on a white tee, some Air Force Ones and some sweats and walks down the street to McDonald’s to get 3 McGriddles. He puts his phone on silent because he doesn’t like to be disturbed while he eats, plus he has his IPod on so he never hears the employees talk about the events going on. The government stalls the terrorists to bide more time to simulate a cash transaction. After eating Blackjack gets niggeritis and goes back to sleep.

The following events take place between 10AM – 11AM
CTU FINALLY gets in touch with Blackjack before he goes into another heavy sleep. He gets briefed on the situation, understands the severity of the situation, but wants to know if he’ll be paid overtime for coming to work an hour early. Terrorists don’t get their ducats and kill more hostages. CTU has no choice but to give Blackjack double time and a half and he knows it. Blackjack wakes up for good, but checks his email and Myspace page first before he gets ready to roll. He also takes a long ass time to get dressed, give himself a shapeup, put some cologne on, color coordinate, etc. More than half the people at the airport are dead by this point.

The following events take place between 11AM – 4PM
Blackjack goes to the airport and sneaks in through the ventilation system. He has gained a high ground over the ringleader and is in a position to take him out with a headshot. Unfortunately Blackjack forgot to put his phone on vibrate and the loud sound of “Whoop That Trick” from Hustle & Flow is heard coming from the ceiling. The terrorists find his ass and tie him up along with the remaining hostages. It’s about 2 PM, more hostages die and CTU is forced to make extreme action to rescue Blackjack and whatever hostages are still living. CTU supervisors come down on Blackjack hard and he knows he fucked up. His only words letting you know that are “My Bad”. The majority of the terrorists escape because of the forced action.

The following events take place between 4PM – 4:30PM
Blackjack takes his scheduled break and goes shopping at The Net for a little bit, despite the fact CTU just spent the last 2 hours saving his ass. Terrorists now officially have gained a large amount of ground to escape the country or do another terrorist act. Blackjack doesn’t care, plus he’s arguing with his baby mom on the phone too, so now he’s really pissed.

The following events take place between 4:30PM – 5PM
Blackjack gets back to work, but his McGriddles and what he ate on his break give him the bubbleguts. He spends the next half hour after his break is over taking an excruciating loud shit, yelling Damn It!!! every time a turd feels like it’s about to come out but doesn’t. He does however take the time to look at the porn stored on his IPod and rubs one out. Terrorists have left the state.

The following events take place between 5PM – 6PM
Blackjack gets back to work and is left responsible to track the terrorists down with sophisticated satellite technology on the CTU computers. Getting bored after 10 minutes, he goes back on Myspace, leaves his friends crude comments, does a survey, stalks girls he used to bang and checks out sports scores. He also learns how to play solitaire finally (I really don’t know how to play solitaire, lol) and does a little online shopping. His supervisor monitoring his computer activity gets fed up and calls him into the office. After a brief argument, they make peace when Blackjack offers him clear ass copies of Spider-Man 3, 300 and Shrek The Third for free just to get off his case. His supervisor is just as ghetto as he is, lol.

The following events take place between 6PM – 7PM
The satellite tracks the terrorists at an undisclosed warehouse attempting to flee by a small airplane. CTU sends a strike team to take them out. Blackjack realizes what time it is, falsifies the time clock and sneaks out to be home in time to watch 24. He loves that show.

More or less, this is how it would be if I were Jack Bauer. I’m such a fucking hero, lol. Time for me to go now. See y’all Friday.

Peace,
Embassy aka Blackjack Bauer (Damn It!!!!!)

4/6/07 – The Most Ignant Easter Ever (self explanatory)

Current mood: nostalgic

Song + Video to describe my mood today: Curtis Mayfield – If There’s A Hell Below

http://youtu.be/w7E7fhgO0LI

(You all might think I’m headed there after this story)

What’s up everybody. Remember when I said Tuesday that I was having a good week? I lied, this is a fucked up week, I’m just not one to complain too often. To top everything off the Phillies are 0 – 3 and the player I like the least is solely responsible for the first 2 losses. If I could pull a Tonya Harding on his ass and lead pipe him in the elbow I would. Well, in honor of Easter, here’s one of my favorite experiences as a human being. It happened around 2004 I think. If you’re the religious freak type you might want to ignore this one. And on that note….

Thought Before Work (4/6/07) The Most Ignant Easter Ever

Once again this is a true story. I wouldn’t even want to make this up.
Easter / Pronunciation Key – [ee-ster] –noun

1. an annual Christian festival in commemoration of the resurrection of Jesus Christ, observed on the first Sunday after the first full moon after the vernal equinox, as calculated according to tables based in Western churches on the Gregorian calendar and in Orthodox churches on the Julian calendar.

The meaning of Easter has never been more celebrated in worse ways than this year. My friend Omar has a son whose birthday is on or around Easter. His family wanted to take him to Chuck E. Cheese to celebrate. If you don’t have that franchise in your area or you’ve been living under a rock and don’t know what Chuck E. Cheese is, think of it as a casino for children, minus the gambling. A person in a big rat costume (Trump, lol) walking around playing with children that are running around like crazy, robots on stage performing a show (Coyote Ugly, lol), pizza every where, video games, basically it’s Michael Jackson’s wet dream come to life. Also going with Omar was his sister, her female friend and her friend’s kids. So basically it looks like the arrangement is Omar, his late teen/early 20 year old sister, her friend and 3 kids in a loud atmosphere with a bunch of other loud, bad ass kids. Omar knew he was gonna lose his mind if he didn’t have someone around his age and level to at least break the monotony. So what does he do? He calls the X Factor….

It’s me bitches, lol.

He calls me up Easter afternoon while I’m in the house and asks me do I feel like going to Chuck E. Cheese, lol. What do I as a 20 + year old male with not a child in sight say? Hell Yeah!!!! I shower, get dressed, throw some cologne on (lol, not for the kids, for single moms. you don’t see virgins in Chuck E. Cheese) and grab a bottle of Henny off my little bar area. We get in the car and head towards Southwest Philly to the Chinese store/ weed spot and grab a couple bags and blunts. We’re in the car getting high as shit and wasted (on Easter) heading down to the Chuck E. Cheese in South Philly. O’s sister and son were already in there, so the smoke and everything wasn’t bothering anyone. We get to the mall area where Chuck E. Cheese is and pull up front like we’re some type of superstars about to make a red carpet entrance blasting R. Kelly’s song Fiesta (of all the music artists in the world) with smoke coming out the windows in plain view of a bunch of children and aggravated parents that been standing in line for quite some time. We smoke a little more while parked, take some more Henny to the gut and get out the car. The long ass line in front of Chuck E. Cheese was like fucking Studio 54 but since our party was already in there, we walk past the line and straight in like we’re V.I.P. and shit (ghetto fabulous). People in line yelling “How’d they just walk in? That’s bullshit.” I vaguely remember myself saying “We’re on the list” lol. We walk in Chuck E. Cheese smelling like drunks that just survived a forest fire. We get there and my munchies kick in. I’m eating the pizza that’s there for the kids like I brought it, then I proceed to the video games and take serious pride in the fact that I’m high and tipsy and can still kick the little kids asses, lol. If this was the phrase at the time, I would’ve looked the kid in the eyes after beating them and said “Oh, you mad cause I’m stylin’ on you….” (reference below)

Eventually we leave and part ways for a little bit. I go home, get a small nap in and chill for a little.

Once again the phone rings.

It’s O bitches, lol.

After making a children’s place like Chuck E. Cheese look like backstage at a Snoop Dogg concert, where do you think is the most appropriate place to go later on Easter night?

Night On Broadway!!! Thee dirtiest and grimiest strip club EVER, lol. No pole. No champagne room. If you ran a black light through that shit it would probably light the whole block up. Seriously though, what other type of strip club would be open on Easter? We go just for a little bit though, I never liked that place. I always feel like I got a roach crawling up the small of my back as soon as I sit down in there, I think it’s a mental thing lol. All in all, being hooligans around kids, smoking, drinking and lap dances is something I don’t think any normal human being would associate with Easter, and that’s why I like this story so much. Matter of fact, there are two revelations that came from this experience.

One, I’m having my 30th birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese. No one believes me when I say this, but I’m already saving loot to rent the place out for the night and only allowing people 21 and over to be there. Not that I have childhood issues, but shit, you got me, you, pizza, Henny, Patron, a big ass rat walking around and video games. Only thing left is the DJ. I think that would be the party people will never forget, thinking to yourself “I can’t believe I’m like 30 partying in Chuck E. Cheese.” Matter of fact, I’ll let you in free if you show up wearing my adult One-zy clothing line, also available in Big and Tall sizes for all you Ruben Studdard / Rosie O’Donnell types. Here’s the prototype design from Sharvon…

Revelation number two. Omar is having his birthday party on The Spirit Of Philadelphia cruise ship. That shit is gonna be off the hook, lol. Our asses might get thrown overboard by the ship’s captain but still. Here’s the information, you all are invited to come. The last day for payment to be accepted is April 19th. Hit me up for more info if needed.

Was that an advertisement you just read? Shit yeah!!!! Hope you all enjoyed my wild ass story. A regular Thoughts Before Work will be on once again on Monday. Check my page out too in the time being. I got my items on sale in the Snocap box on my page ranging in price from $0.99 – $4.99. Also in the blog I got the newest mixtapes from my series on sale. Every online purchase comes with a free cd. 2 for the price of one. BEAT THAT SHIT!!!! Peace everybody. Happy Easter and have a good weekend.

Embassy

Subscribe to my blog too. If you do, you’ll get……… the antidote. : P

Thoughts Before Work (2/26/07) The Return

Current mood: rejuvenated

Song + Video to describe my mood today: Mase – Welcome Back
(Minus the retarded slur, yellow clothes, dancing and extra special facial expressions)

What is up my people. I’m back and I missed making y’all laugh. I appreciate all the nice messages and comments I received while I was gone. I had fun while I was away (the parts I can remember anyway) and sort of feel refreshed, time of course flies like it’s on crack when you’re having fun. Getting back to work I realized that I need a raise. That place ain’t shit without me. Today’s TBW will be a retrospect of some of the things that stuck out from both the Ski Trip and my Vegas vacation. These are pretty much all facts so don’t expect them to be too crazy. The crazy shit will resume on Wednesday. On a personal note, I am proud to say that I will not be doing any Anna Nicole Smith jokes because it’s really a sad situation, and I will resist the urge to make any Britney Spears jokes either. Even though she looks like Lex Luthor on Smallville, lol.

Thoughts Before Work (2/26/07) The Return

Ski Trip Recap – Basically I was drunk and/or high & side hustlin’ the whole weekend and missed every single event including the concert featuring Special Ed, Chubb Rock & Slick Rick (one of my music idol : ( I am depressed I didn’t meet him). Here’s some of the things that stuck out.

1 – Did You Know?: Did you know that they sold Sake in Wine & Spirits? I found out just before we pulled off for the ski trip and the best part was no one on the bus knew what the hell I was drinking and the ones that did try some didn’t like it, so I downed a whole bottle of that and some tequila & Mad Dog 20/20 before we even arrived at the hotel. That there set the tone for the whole weekend.

2 – Yo the pool & the jacuzzi at the ski trip….. both those mutha fuckas might need therapy after the ignant shit that went on in both of them. This nigga that looked like he just got home from prison the day of the ski trip was swimming in the pool with his socks on early in the morning after the pajama party. All types of hoochies, hee haws and who dee whos were in that shit knowing damn well they ain’t shower. Another nigga jumped in the pool with his boots on. One of the people working at the hotel had to get a rod with a net and fish something out of the jacuzzi I swear was a condom. I think if a woman swam the length of the pool she would’ve came out on the other side pregnant. I swear if I worked there, I would’ve drained the pool & the jacuzzi after everyone was gone, poured some gasoline in both those bitches and set all that shit on fire.

3 – Check out shorty with the Burger King crown.

She wore that shit the ENTIRE weekend. No joke. I wish someone would’ve tried to take it off her, I think she would’ve snapped and fucked someone up like Warren on There’s Something About Mary when they tried to touch his earmuffs, lol. She’s probably wearing the mother fucka right now as you read this, lol. I made up a background story about her and the crown. Ready.

The sperm cell that created her wore that crown as it raced to the egg. The crown showed in the sonogram on the fetus. The baby was delivered and came out crown first. Years pass and the crown is there during the girls first hair style. Prom pictures included the crown. Graduation day she wore the traditional cap on top of the Burger King crown and just threw that one. After college she gets married and the crown is on the figurine on the wedding cake. She gets older and has to get a CAT Scan. The crown has it’s own brain activity. She gets older and as she wrinkles so does the crown. She dies of natural causes. The options the family has to make include either burying her with the crown on her head, cremating her and the crown or place the crown on top of the urn. THE END.

4 – Now to my plus size women, y’all know I got nothing but love for y’all. But I had some serious gut check moments that weekend. First off, this girl that looked like Norbit’s wife was chillin in the jacuzzi which was located under my room balcony. Me being a playful flirt, I put my hands under my chin and stare at her with this doe eyed glaze just to fuck with her. Guess what? She ate that shit up and I was creepin and crawling all over the hotel trying to avoid her room, which I found out was 3 doors down from mine. I got a message she relayed from one of my friends that she said she could “fuck and suck all night.” Ehhh ehhh eehhh (my soul shivering)

5 – Plus size woman scary moment two came while I was in the bed sleep. It was about 12 in the afternoon on Sunday and these 2 girls me and my roommate met the night before from DC came in the room trying to wake me up. One was a little petite bony girl, the other was built like a bottle of Clorox, lol. The bleach bottle one yanked the sheets off me and left me laying on the mattress still not ready to wake up. While my eyes are still somewhat closed, I look on the other side of the room and see Clorox running towards my bed at top speed. My body stiffened up and my life flashed before my eyes. She then hopped up on the bed and started jumping up and down on the mattress WHILE i’m still on the bed. Im in the bed scared as shit. I just knew she was gonna jump on my leg or something. If I could’ve hopped up like some ninja and flipped out the bed believe me I would’ve.

Vegas Recap – Basically I was drunk every night (some nights to the point of memory loss) and was sick as a dog. Couple this with nosebleeds from me blowing my nose so much (no I wasn’t using Coke, lol) and you got yourselves a vacation. I didn’t make it to any parties or any of the games : ( but I still had fun regardless. Here’s what I remember, lol.

1 – The gate for the Vegas flights were looking like Soul Plane in that mutha fucka. Shit. Niggas had on big chains, Jim Jones chains on their jeans, furs. Hoes had their clear heels on, Baby Phat jeans and all types of other hoochie uniform essentials, lol. While sitting on the plane, one of the people in the row sitting in front of me was messing with his friend that was wearing a fur coat while they were loading the luggage on the plane. He was telling him that the people left his bag on the runway. After convincing him by getting the flight attendants to go along with it and check the luggage out, the guy then started getting concerned. The friend asked the guy “What if it’s your luggage with your furs in it?” He said “They ain’t getting my furs.” I asked myself “YOU BROUGHT MORE THAN ONE FUR COAT TO VEGAS!?!?!?!” Who brings a suitcase full of furs to Vegas? I hate when men wear furs anyway, looking like Sasquatch and shit.

2 – I had another hairbrain get rich quick scheme I wanted to try while I was in Vegas. If I saw Michael Jordan I was gonna pickpocket him and run as fast as I could. I figure since he’s old now he can’t catch me. (Never mind he’s still more athletic than I’ll ever be). I would’ve pick pocketed Shaq too but I didn’t see him. I seen Dikembe Mutombo. I would’ve pick pocketed him and ran but he probably could’ve stretched that long ass arm out and pick me up by my shirt collar.

3 – Skeet Mitchell. I don’t know who this man is but I seen him on the Vegas public access station sitting on a panel and fell in love with dude’s name. That is officially my nigga, lol. I’m afraid to do research on him because I don’t wanna find out he’s some Republican scumbag or something like that, but if somebody could Google him for me and see what he’s about and let me know if he’s a good dude I’d appreciate it. That’s a future alias. Embassy aka Black Skeet Mitchell.

4 – Ladies, I didn’t run into Nicole from the Pussycat Dolls, Hoopz, Jennifer Hudson or Oprah, so you know what that means…. I still got that engagement ring. Engraved too. So if your initials are B.K., H.B. N.S., N.”H”. A., J.H. or O.W., you’re the only one for me. I love you.

5 – You know you’re drunk when you stand on an escalator that’s broke and you actually think it’s moving because the room is spinning. That there is a sign of fulfillment.

6 – See this building right here.

It’s called the Stratosphere. It was featured in the movie Domino. They have a topless show that’s an erotic tale about vampires called Bite. Don’t see it. They should’ve called the shit Suck. But, I do recommend going on all 3 of their thrill rides. Preferably at night and while under the influence of something like alcohol or painkillers like I was. There’s nothing better than having a buzz and being thrown around, propelled and hung over the side of a 1,149 ft building.

7 – Everybody thought this was Katt Williams.

I called him Squirrel Willams, lol. His fur coat looked like a bunch of balled up rats. He had the whole pimp get up too. Pimp chalice, cane, hair permed and pressed. Ironically he had no hoes, lol.

That’s all for me. I got a couple pictures from the Ski Trip on my page. When I get them all together I’ll create a slide show. I should have everything in order by Wednesday. Big ups to Jennifer Hudson, Forrest Whitaker & Martin Scorcese for winning the Oscars they deserve. Eddie Murphy got hosed, but I’m not a hater. Little Miss Sunshine was a good movie and the grandfather was funny as shit. Also, all 3 of my sisters are on Myspace now so stay away perverts (y’all know who y’all are). See y’all Wednesday.

Peace,
Embassy